If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it