grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
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I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source