My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
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Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Pigeon open mic night.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?