War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
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Poetry is my passion
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
May have had one breakfast too many
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week