I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.