I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
This 4th of July, please remember…
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
A Match(.com), but for socks.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.