[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s