anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
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1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.