If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
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“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Can’t stop laughing
[new coffee shop]
DAY 1
barista: name?
me: Pru
b: order for Prune!DAY 2
m: Pru. P-R-U
b: Poo!DAY 3
m: JANE… MY NAME’S JANE
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Today’s Times
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Wednesday
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here