fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Search History:
Cat armor
Buy armor for cats
Cat jousting tournaments
How to stop armored cats
Cat army how to stop
national guard phone #
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
🔦🌙👣
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.