SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
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Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume