I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
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Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
kids play hide and seek like
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.