INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
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My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,