[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.