I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands