Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
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“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.