honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
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I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.