A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”