All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
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This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
I needed a laugh this morning.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.