My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
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[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.