Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Feels like the fourth month in January
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My dog after a walk in the woods.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
i meant to share this earlier
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*