I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
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Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…