Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
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Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Probably my best painting.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys