Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
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I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
#StillHurts
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
A Short Story.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
Do not levitate over flowers
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.