“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
You Might Also Like
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]