kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
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when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.