DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
the council will decide your fate
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar