Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
You Might Also Like
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
a fate I wish upon no one
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
mechanics be like
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster