I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
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Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
🚲+physics = winner
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
I’m not stressed
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!