if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
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I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
she has a point
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby