[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
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Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again