looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
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[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
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Note to self: I am a note
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.