nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
You Might Also Like
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
How can I say no to this ?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”