me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
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°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti