I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
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Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
Stick it to the man
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.