*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
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Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
How much for the goth pool noodles?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Thank you corporation very cool
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.