Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
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[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking