I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
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I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Aaaa…CHOO!
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.