Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
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Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you