My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
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Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box