Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
You Might Also Like
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too