[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july