My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
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I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
courtroom exchange of the day
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???