I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
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The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid鈥檚 backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I鈥檓 still laughing .
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 馃槈
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you鈥檙e talking about.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
the three genders