Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Worth a try
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”