If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
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You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
Yup
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]
6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!
Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!
6yo: yeah ri-
Me: [collapses]
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!