*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
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My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Is this you?
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!