Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
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I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count