I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
my first day as a raccoon
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.