waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
You Might Also Like
I’m having an out of money experience.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
.
.
.
.
.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.